I have a party for my brother Saturday night, which a year ago, would be an absolute given we would go as a family. He started to see me again and enjoy me, and now again the last week its like nothing I do is right. Stay strong. I work out, I want to be healthy, I want to be a great mom, and he can continue living whatever life he wants. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. But we continue to face issues along the way even 3 years later. At some point if this is too painful and nothing changes you may want to decide to separate. One day when my H decided he was divorcing me I told him that I will never remarry so he should plan on paying alimony the rest of his life. but are separated now and she moved out to find her self. And you have also posed how the 180 is necesssry for you. How is he rewriting history SO much and saying these things and feeling ok about it? Given that you have some assets, you may want to protect them from him. Ah yes, the affair fog. Selfish. Now? He said he did not want to b/c he wanted to R. I picked up the phone and told him on X date you will go to a friends house until you find your own place. I have changed to be a better me and am looking after my self a lot better. It can lead to a renewed marriage. I insisted we go to marriage counseling, and for a year, my counselor & I proceeded to tell him he wasnt meeting my needs. I said I know youre still talking to her and I cant do it anymore. I walked away, he followed me and said I was wrong but I shut the bathroom door and got in the shower and then I told him I needed a breather and i went for a drive. He is here every night, I dont really have any reason to think there is someone he is seeing, but clearly anything can happen. But theres nothing I can do. No fight. I check his phone an hour later and manage to access his work email, where I find emails back and forth the weekend before with the OW from work. Or someone who has high standards or morals. They have court up once and spent the night together but didt have sex. K. Seriously I am married to his twin lol. Needing him to do all these things to live up to what I want, and he feels controlled. And when I do go home and he is there, he is so short with me as if I annoy him or have done something wrong. I dont even know how ill EVER trust him again which is a whole other issue in itself. Get your plan B together b/c I fear you may need it. Its 7 years and I still dont do my Hs laundry. Desesperate Take care of yourself first. It would be better to tell him that you love him dearly but you must separate until he decides what he wants 100% commitment to you or else there is no reason to continue being married. But he refused to do it b/c in his words he didnt like being told what to do. Youre absolutely right. When we fall in love our brains become bathed in a soup of phenylethylamine (PEA) a naturally occurring amphetamine. He would tell me if he had a work dinner or working late (or traveling etc). The whole six months I thought we were R. IF you end up having to tell him the M is over, YOU NEED A PLAN. He doesnt want your help. But no matter what you do his decisions are his own choices and he cannot blame you for any thing that happens as a result of his cheating. By the end of 6 months I could have lived a year with my children if he didnt pay me a dime. And I let him back in 6 days later like an idiot and soon enough, it all falls apart again. I would drag this out for some time just to be sure this is what he really wants. So your H has chosen a different lifestyle. I was done with his crap and lies and cheating ways. You come first. You have told him to leave but yet he does not. At the time it was happening, his growing disconnection from me and lack of empathy for years makes me believe he just intended to stonewall and ignore it as long as necessary, thinking Id let it go. Then its over. of course not. I can only say from experience that I dont want to be right I want to cross my fingers that sooner or later he will wake up!!!!. I kid you not!!! He eventually got sober and moved back home and the salvaged their marriage. Well I agree and if I had to do it over it would be different. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. For my own peace of mind. My husband was acting very strange and very nasty towards me. Again I think there is more to this story. Im a couple weeks late to this conversation, but have you considered telling him to stay home with the baby one night because you have plans? I did, after 4.5 months put my foot down and deny him access to having contact with her, but it led to further problems with me always feeling like he never chose to be with me, as I was the one who chose to stop being humiliated, instead of him refusing to choose me, then there were years and years of his denial, stonewalling, fights and further verbal abuse causing so MUCH more collateral damage. I had all the lies to me about me and backstabbing two faced bullshit and I couldnt stand any more so I outed my serial cheating husband on Facebook which made our kids mad at guess who NOT THE LYING CHEATER OR HIS MULTIPLE WHORES they were mad at me they blamed me for his screwing sewer rats boy was I hurt to find out HE set me up he played me and our kids off against each other. Thank you for your advice Doug. But acted as if we were so good and wonderful. Continue trying to do your own thing. Tell him your communication efforts are not working and you feel you need help resolving the differences and making things better in the future. Thats why I love this blog. And I dont say a word. Given equal emotional connection, his investment in his wife and family is much more important than any investment in the OW. Its good to know that Im not alone in this. Again I think she is part of the problem but not the whole problem or ALL the problems. When I made him leave and he felt devastated, I felt like I had power. All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. Normal life as far as they could tell. Your H is playing a dangerous game I keep hoping he wakes up soon. Maybe Im not handling the situation properly. I read things that say you have more power than you think, but I seriously feel powerless. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. This situation is unfair to you. She is such a good person he would say to me. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). He does his own thing and he encourages you to spend time alone but that you do not see him trying to spend time together as a family. I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. He said he did not want to be controlled. Because it is not a M. Thats for sure. If you want to work at a paid job to build your own financial independence then your H must agree to it. I dont know how he feels about this, but in my opinion this limbo sucks. For the same of this marriage I plead to give at least a year, but nothing is improving, after 5 months past, & at the same time, their relationship is growing stronger & more stronger. Stated out by spilling her guts to my husband about her partner, who was a man she had just stolen from another woman. Wait for him sure. You are not HIS support system and back up plan. I hope you can get there. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. And BTW this is all going to come back to him. Only coming up to two months knowing each other all moved super fast . I didnt respond, and I continued driving, just listening to music, thinking. Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. I cant explain it, I do know he loves me, but its almost as if he doesnt realize how much he loves me until he no longer has me. Theres no other way I know of, but to make them feel instant consequences for such actions. He beefed for another chance. Its been very strange. It can be very little things but whatever you need to do is better than nothing. So sorry for you. Im just like eye-rolling why now?, after Ive healed enough to completely see a future without him, why now? You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. You may want to plan differently for your future based on the information. This is not fair or good for you to live in limbo. If you no longer want him to hang out in bars w/out you present, then you need to clearly state that during MC or in your talks to him. I just cant figure out why Im regressing in my emotional state. So is his snide comments that you seeing another guy. Even if we did reconcile and moved forward, how would I EVER get past what hes done and all the texts ive read and the things theyve said to one another. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. I am not sure how this works. Saying we wont ever be able to move past this unless I magically wake up and see that im this controlling person who didnt appreciate him, etc. Living the single life. I have always been the most important person to him, I know he has loved me more than he loved ANYONE in his life, like I was just the one thing that really mattered, and now I feel like I dont matter and im so confused by that. (Which was about a month ago now) And We had a very lengthy, crying convo, which ended with a long hug and him apologizing and saying he knows its all his fault and he wishes he could take it back and maybe down the road we could be okay and we decided no Divorce or custody arrangements, that he would give me some time and we would make a schedule for him and the baby. But i do feel that way. He was nice during that time, as a matter of fact hes always been nice. Or errands. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. He has completely convinced himself he is Protect yourself. And you can tell him one day its okay by me if you want to leave. But please do not allow this to go on too long. It was like I was the one real real real thing in his life. Then he saw the OW again and I found out and made him leave. Not only that the cheater may not come back, but if the cheater does come back, trying to resolve all of that is difficult. I think most, if not all BSs would love to have a do-over and the chance to handle things differently. Im sure thats not what you want. He definitely has some sort of deep psychological issue ADD, ADHD or bipolarism. Plain & simple! The vast majority of those betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out what the hell is running through the minds of their cheating spouses. Im sorry you are hurting and yes its now 7 years and we are happily reconciled. And i felt like I was completely doing it alone. We have come a long way and he has worked hard to gain my trust back but I sure do miss the innocent trust that I once had! You are free to make your own decision. I would of course hope that one day he will open his eyes and see this for what it is and see how much trauma he has caused, but I really doubt it. He told me the standard line love you but not in love with you and all that crap that goes along with it. And I am much happier this way. First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. Make him wonder what kind of life you have going on without him. The coach tells my H, not many women would put up with H still working with OW (YeaIm a patsy ). He texted me again the next morning asking when he could see the baby and I offered for him to see her that night, and he again apologized for the things he said to me. You lose all credibility and power. As if I got them from another man or something, ya right. Im working out, im a great new mom, im getting in great shape and everyone is noticing, and hes waking up most mornings hungover. You barely communicate. However it is difficult to reason or make progress while the fog and/or affair continues. And if there is any contact whatsoever you should not waste your time and energy on her or the marriage right now. Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). Its like he wants to talk to me about his life sometimes and im ok with that, but I dont know where I am supposed to enforce boundaries. His addiction. I dont call him a liar. All Rights Reserved. Instead, Dday happened during pregnancy, I was hormonal, emotional, scared to death, and unsure how the hell I was supposed to maneuver through this. I told him to leave. Get yourself a good therapist or counselor. But sometimes we dont say much of anything and I usually do my own thing just trying to back off him. Because if I said I wanted a D (in his mind) I ended the M. In his mind his A had no impact or reason for the D. A team player. Whether he is cheating or not is secondary what is most important is that he is not putting the M first. January 4, 2017 I saw a 5 second call to Hs coworker (whom I ALWAYS been uncomfortable and suspicious about, as she is a known who*e and homewrecker in his workplace. They are just blinded at the moment. I hope you have a counselor or someone you can see to support you. Leave me out of the equation. The first 2 years of Reconciliation were not easy. He commits to reconciliation and helping you heal AND being the guy you married. Also including the fact he carried out other basic lies for so long, I eventually came to the point where I will never be able to believe he was faithful, even though he has never wavered from saying he felt anything for her, he has never admitted to anything I dont have black and white tangible evidence of, such as phone records, just left me feeling that if I cant prove it, I know he wont admit it, honest as he seems to be now. In that call I told her she was number 15000 she was screaming (he had online pics and smut porn hookups and whatever else he tried to hide) she was nothing special just a nameless faceless whore hole an overused worn out piece of rotten meat I told him he was dead to me he murdered the man I loved to have a whore stroke his ego and his penis . These were all text messages he sent me, and I didnt respond to any for the rest of the day. Best possible given the home you are in. But how can someone be SO in love, SO on board in a marriage, so all about his wife and making a family and then all of a sudden be SO completely different? I am almost 3 weeks after confronting my wife about my suspicions of her emotional affair. I think to myself that I know he sees me in a different light than he sees her, I know the type of woman I am, and the type of woman that she seems to be, and I cannot comprehend WHAT it is about her that he was willing to risk it all. But it only worked b/c my H decided a few hours before that he was ending the A. Although he has been. Hopefully this reply works, bc my last one was very long explaining my situation and it seems like it disappeared. Everyone here will tell you the BS is powerless when it comes to the M and the CS. He is going out MUCH more lately, out until 2am, even though he will text me and say hes on his way home, and then not get home until hours later. Stop focusing on the M. Just know you will be prepared down the road for whatever happens. You will never regret standing up for yourself. He said I am wrong and that he doesnt want this to keep coming up but also said it shouldnt matter, as we are not working on us right now regardless. She has told me last Monday that she has stopped contacting him so this might be a positive. No caring respectable H does that and I would venture to say the OW has been lurking in your M the past few months. And then the behavior escalated and he was walking out the door. Our life stayed secure. I knew him 30 years and saw him in front of me and he was a completely different person. Those are his choices. Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. Someone who would literally do ANYTHING for me. Who cares about that? When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. HE ALREADY IS ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR ON YOUR M! Trust me I know what you are going through. I agree most of us BSs would probably love a do over. I said go live the life you want to live, just stop coming here afterwards. Your confrontation with him was to try and get your M off life support. He encourages you to go out and he will stay home, but yet does not want to stay home with you and your baby. Exactly. If you wait until you get mad enough to do it first, the damage is done. I phoned a friend who had worked there and knew this woman. So yes at DDay2 I told my H I was D him. He was trying his hardest to put me and our marriage first. He suddenly realized what an idiot he was and how screwed up he was. HORRIBLE. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. Why did you literally WASTE the prime time that the window was wide open for reconciliation, instead of literally waiting to really get it when the window was closed down to the last millimeter, only furthers the feeling that Im completely taken for granted and will likely never know the truth. She was so screwed up mentally. He said now he know i wasnt love. Not an issue. He made that choice. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. I know he thinks im being fake and im just letting this all happen bc I want him back, but I think hes starting to pick up on me doing things for myself. They may have convinced themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really didnt love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their soulmate because he or she is the only one who understands them. I am DETERMINED to be happy with or without him, but I would be MUCH HAPPIER with him. Is sick of me accusing him, said I made him leave the house and hes out and he doesnt care anymore, etc etc. I didnt want to talk about it. Yeah, whatever we do is seems very wrong. And that was when we were actually living apart and i was trying to do the 180. Get a lawyer ASAP and a financial plan B. Bestie, I agree with First Wife, but wanted to add that I think youre doing the right thing. We are just now, and I mean literally in the last couple weeks communicating in a real way, but the relationship may be so damaged now, its unfixable and I have a lot more additional trauma to deal with, from fights, lack of empathy, being called jealous or crazy or hysterical, I dont know what to believe, and Im so much farther past it, with him just now beginning to absorb the absolute terror, trauma and other effects. His affair resumed 6 weeks later with same OW and in 2 months asked for divorce. Am I coming home too early? I feel like I have tried all of the above to get my CS out of the affair fog, its been 7 months and he is going strong with the OW. THATS PART OF THE PROBLEM..its so very frustrating. BUT.writes he hasnt given up on us yet! and she helps a lot. It was like pulling teeth but I hung in there. I want SO BADLY to do this 180, I have moments of such confidence where I feel like im going to be fine no matter what, and then I have such moments of sadness where I feel like this is just the worst situation and will never get better and that if I feel this bad then he must too and must think our life at home is miserable, etc. Its going to take time. I think that is the only advice I can give. In our house its almost as if hes dead because of how hes totally abandoned us. It can make your head spin. I did not want our kids to know and I was summer and they were not in school. I have purchased Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson and am reading through that. My H never left our home and even when he wanted a divorce the next day he would change his mind. We had a huge blowout fight on Monday. I cannot continue feeling like im being walked all over, and I dont think he knowingly walks all over me, but its just how I feel when my HUSBAND cant even treat me like his wife. I feel like I hate the guy! I get so many thoughts in my head that just completely consume me and it is so frustrating. I did not mean to imply you should file for D. But know what your options are in the future. Is that stupid? I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. If I gave marriage advice to any young couple always have a back up plan and emergency $. He spreads so much lies and hate about me to his allies, its disgusting. You remove yourself from his manipulative behavior. We were only talkingnothing else! Before that could happen, we had a 2 week Hawaiian vacation planned, and the day we returned my mom died! I know that. Dont be me. I went in my own for years. I sleep all the time (well Pot makes me sleep and eat but all I want to do everytime I leave the house is go back and smoke pot and sleep), I was very ambitious and I had all these plans for my career and for us but Ive lost all the zeal. You can also subscribe without commenting. Dopamine, Im hoping that today and yesterday feel SO awful bc he is out of town and its just making me crazy, I am hoping once he is back in town I will not feel this horrible. Every thing I say im worried is wrong. I said it was disrespectful for him to not send me a quick text just saying he wouldnt be home to help put the baby to sleep. Sometimes, he wants to discuss stuff anf sometimes I can tell hes immediately annoyed. I had kids on summer break and every day had to pretend all was ok. Linda: A lot of the experts caution that even though you do come back, does the betrayed spouse want you back? Rock bottom is when they have nothing left to lose. But my suggestions are to get you out from dealing with his choices that undermine the M and disrespect you. He was SERIOUSLY the best guy ever, before the OW. And then he texts me Monday and says he will stay at the house since im not feeling well and he will pick up dinner to cook for us.Am I losing my mind or is that confusing in itself? I picked up the phone and made arrangements for him to stay with a friend until he found another place. I had to call the OW to find out the truth and what was going on. And when I do that I can always tell he gets a little curious. But at this juncture you dont have much of a choice. I still have flashbacks and remain on alert. I have NEVER felt this way with him. Swell.. Do you think it is possible to commit fully to this 180, while he is living here, and he will see it and maybe open his eyes? And the fact he never has done anything to make amends shows you EXACTLY who and what he is. I asked him if he would be willing to go, and he said yes. He is expecting you to give in to him. I completely committed to 180 and immediately started feeling better. I think I needed to be more honest with you, but I was afraid that if I was, you would leave. He goes out till all hours and doesnt tell you. And if hes NOT worried about losing you trust me b/c I have experience in this he may continue this pattern indefinitely. Unfortunately I, like you, and everyone here knows what it is like to be blindsided by an affair. Linda: No, and the consistency. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. He accuses me of hiding my phone from him, as if IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG, when he hides his phone morning to night. What will after work be like today, will he go somewhere, will he tell me he has plans tomorrow, will it be a bad weekend? From the moment I met her I told him watch your back she likes you more than a friend. It would be good to know what it is. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. Well that stopped after DDay2. And he is on it a lot more this week which is why I am under the impression they are back speaking. Sometimes I feel like he just wants a way out, to escape. She doesnt trust him. I know how frustrating and devastating that is to hear. I, being the chump I am, told him to go ahead and talk to her that one time because she was in crisis. Sunday mornings there were long lines. Even though Ive known about all of this for 7 months now and weve been going through problems for 10 months now. He clearly isnt worried enough about losing me to where he feels like he needs to make a change. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. You know he is unreliable. They always make me feel so much better. I didnt know we had problems so it all has been a total rollercoaster. There is a saying the best thing a father can do for his daughter, is to love and respect her mother and obviously even at her young age she senses tension. After I got back with him he got trust issues which make me furious. Which, if that were to be the case, I would completely cut ties with him. If you say something you have to mean it and stick to it. He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. He decided he did not want to. I dont want to lose myself. You are his wife. But is there anything I can do that can get him out of this addiction, or do I just have to try to focus on me and do the 180 and hope he comes around and opens his eyes. And if im there calling the shots. But karma is coming and I hope you get to see what happens to people who take advantage of someones good nature. I dont know how, but maybe thats the case. They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. He told me sunday I shouldnt make him dinner, I shouldnt do his laundry, he can handle it all himself. Its hard for me to pinpoint what I did that caused you to get out of the fog because I dont really know when you got out of the fog. He understood that, he did not get mad, he just was very clear that they are not speaking. And now im alone in a way, with a baby, with a husband that isnt sure that he wants to be a husband anymore. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. I am truly sticking to the 180 for the first time and I think thats a positive thing for me, and like I said before I know I could tell him to leave the house again and it may open his eyes to not having us, but its all just more of the same. I certainly included that in there, as well. Of course they are idiots but that is another conversation. Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. and if I dont invite him then im afraid he will throw it in my face and say it hurt his feelings. But maybe im wrong. But im SO sick of just trying to be so happy and so upbeat all the time around him. You deserve better. During the conversation, you do not yell or get upset. I told him he had to leave. And because of all those lies, they cant even reason with him about everything he is giving up. I need to STICK to the 180 and FULLY DO IT, It is just SO hard, Im so afraid of pushing him away by me pulling away, Im afraid that ill pull away and give him all this freedom and he will just take advantage and feel really great doing things without me. That is where I was st DDay2. Damn, if I could only have had suspicion and investigated. You need to know WHO is leaving the house, you need to have a plan on some custody and visitation schedules, etc. If hes making that choice NOW when your M is in need of life support then he would most likely be making that choice 6 months from now. He did not appear to be doing anything positive for you or your M. And you just know deep down you know you could have kept your mouth shut for the next six months and he would be coming home @ 2 am more often. When the next loser girlfriend finds out who and what he really is, it will came back to bite him.